I was trying to get some homework done, but somethings been bothering me so leme get it off my chest.
I am the oldest and only girl out of 6 boys. Joel--Kedar--Jayvon--Jahday--Jarell--Kiaje= those are my little brothers.
Now; for me to tell my story word for word will take alot of time, alot of time i feel like i do not have because in the time spent explaining my story to you i can be actually trying to fix this problem. Moving on though, long story short:
Joel, Kedar, Jayvon, Jahday and I all grew up together. In the midst of us getting older, things began to happen. Parent seperations, home divisions, siblings comptetions. We were once oh so close, i mean close. I mean, there was no such thing as Joel without Jamila, Jamila without Jayvon, etc. But things began to happen in ways i can't seem to explain verbally, rather i think my words can vividly show you how i feel right now.
Today, is my baby brother Jayvon 14th birthday. Because of all the bullshit i rather not go to in depth with, i have not seen my baby brother for 2 years. How do i feel? Being the older sister? Like total shit. All those times i went home for break, i kept telling myself: "Oh, im going to see Jayvon today. Oh, im going to see Jahday today." But yet, i always found someway to go against my word and put others before them. What a mistake. Today was the first time i've spoken to my baby brother Jayvon in almost two years. His voice has changed and so has his frame of mind-- he does not give a fuck anymore. And i dont blame him. But listen to this-- my baby brother Jahday has not seen his older brother (Jayvon) for quite a while now. And when i went to see him last month, this 11 year old expressed to me, that his life was nothing but a dream, and when he woke up he wished that things can go back to how they were. Back in the day when we played Man Hunt, watched Beavis & Butthead, back to the day when grandma use to yell for her remote. He hates the fact that him and his older brother no longer speak because of a family feud that people can't seem to get a grip on and move on.
This shit hurts me. I feel like i have failed as a sister and guardian to my baby bro's yo. How can i be absent to the small one's? When i was all they knew as the older person who was suppose to care for them. We grew apart in the worse way and it hurts.
Everyone is so caught up in doing their own thing that they never stopped to see the bigger picture. The bigger picture being the disappearance of love between brothers and sisters. mothers and father, aunts and uncles. I miss my family. I mean-- i never had a big family to begin with. So the one that i have are now slowly fading. And today i began my quest to try and fix what little bit we have left. Because we are all we got. It's crazy how we all went from something to nothing man. Like, how can I let this happen? I can't hold the excuse of me being busy with school get in the way of still keeping contact with my brothers, cousins, etc. It's been a while since i cried this hard today. Just hearing Jayvon's voice, and to not even recognize my own baby brothers voice..... like what the fuck? And for him to say JAM? IS THAT YOU? and for us to be such strangers to one another?
Na, this is not how it use to be, and it's not the way it's suppose to be.
I am going to try my BEST to fix this. I Promise You.
Don't mistake this post as a sad story yo... Take this as a lesson. Don't forget the important things your life. I would go on, but the pains in my stomach and chest right now are unbearable.
i love my family.
there's nothing nor noone that can replace them.
My little brothers are all grown up.
Hopefully we can rebuild what has been destroyed.
On a journey;
=Milli Millz=
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i kinda saw this post comin.
ReplyDeleteu been feelin a way about ur sibs for a MINUTE
glad u addressed it girl.
time to put the plan in motion.
u got this.
your a strong women jammi.....i say plot on all of em and have them all meet at one place the least thing they can do is run away (lol)....and with me there for support you will be fine....bring kedar along too
ReplyDeleteHow you feel is very close to how I feel about my family. It's hard sometimes to be the one who's hurting and expect to be the one who's supposed to make it okay and hurt less.
ReplyDeleteRemember that even though you are the oldest, you are only one person. Motivate those you need to help you make things better because building a family is no job anyone can do solo.
Good luck
Mo'e
I kinda understand where you are coming from.. It`s hard to watch my brothers grow up at a distance & feel like being here is causing me to miss this prime time in their lives.. My brothers are going to high school!?! That`s mad hard to believe & scary & sucks to feel like I`m soo far from it all.. & I def feel you about the family divide.. Do the best you can, but remember: You`re only human!
ReplyDeleteu not a bad sister. grant it, i dont know the situation but u cant blame yourself for circumstances out of your control. for even having the drive to restore what u lost shows strength and courage. all u can do is pick up whats left and keep moving forward. when something is broken there is always some remnant of what it used to be. always feelings or thoughts left over. im sure they are thinking bout u just like u thinking bout them. act on those feelings. if u work towards something hard enough you can achieve it. stay strong millz.
ReplyDeletepeace and love
A.Darrett
always remember you are a good sister, none of this is your fault. now that you have grown up, you can only do your best. it's not your responsiblity to raise your brothers, you can only love them and show them how much you love them, you are doing you now, never feel guilty for what their parents never did.i know you are a loving sister and that will never change, it's up to them to see the big picture too. their parents should of thought about all of you guys and how it will affect you guys as youngsters.but its never too late, but they have to understand that you are now a young woman and that you are preparing for a better future FOR YOU.
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